The thing is, I would make two letters; one was exactly what was asked for, while the other ... was not. This was meant as a joke, of course, and most of the people laughed. One actually turned his in, not bothering to read any of what I had written ... or as I like to say, Karma happened.
Anyway, here's one such letter. I've censored the name and address of the guy in question, but everything else is exactly as it was when I first wrote it.
To whom it may concern;
Thank you for taking the time opening this letter. The grace and agility you displayed in liberating this message from its papery tomb was a sight to behold; certainly, no one would dare stand against one with such magnificent talent with a letter opener.
To get directly to the matter at hand … are you sitting down? Comfortable? Would you like a cup of hot cocoa? I know the weather lately has been so frightfully cold. It is important in such times that we take care of our bodies. I have extra marshmallows if you’d like. No? Very well then. How can I help you?
Of course! How simple of me. I must’ve lost track of the purpose of this letter. I can hardly be blamed; you always keep the conversation so enthralling that I scarcely remember why I first came calling! All that aside, I am writing this letter in regards to a man who wishes to … you know, now that I think of it, I don’t recall if he wishes to rent or to purchase a house. Most embarrassing; my memory isn’t what it used to be, I’m afraid.
In any case, he wishes to do something with one of your houses, and he has asked me to write … me? Oh, well, I’m of no importance, but the company I work for is ‘upgrading’ the local water meters. Not all of them of course; only those who have forgone paying our ‘water protection’ fee. After all, without the extra protection we provide, their meters will undoubtedly need extra measures to maintain proper functionality. What if, hypothetically, of course, the resident’s car were to suddenly and unexpectedly explode while passing the meter, and a fragment of flaming metal were to penetrate the digital reading? What a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting meant for the resident’s pets/children were to accidentally cause a break in the water line? It would be most disastrous, as I’m sure you will agree.
Dear me, I seem to have drifted away from the matter at hand, that being (censored), a fine gentleman who wishes to peruse a house from you. I assure you that this man, this gentleman, this wonder of skill and talent, would make a fine tenant/homeowner. I’ve no doubt you’ve examined his other credentials and references, and as such am sure you will see that those fires had nothing to do with him whatsoever.
I would also like to take a moment to speak about a certain former room-mate that has no doubt come up in your preliminary inquiries to the esteemed Mister (blank)’s past accommodations; a Mister Perence Millwater. Mister Millwater has no doubt made some wild claims as to Mister (nope)’s activities; the reanimation of dead tissue, molecular engineering, the supposed ‘zombification’ of transients, and of course, genetic manipulation. I can guarantee that these claims are almost completely unfounded, and are in fact meant to slander Mister (still not gonna)’s good name and character. The basement of 797 Wisehower St. was always filled with gelatinous slime, and the testimonies given by the supposed ‘witnesses’ of the eleven abductions my client supposedly committed are believed to be fraudulent.
I could go on and on about Mister (give it a rest)’s financial stability, but I’m sure that is unnecessary. Surely, you understand that allowing him to rent/purchase a house from you is the best course of action to take. If you still need convincing, simply leave your office and approach the black limousine sitting outside, where my associates will be more than happy to impress upon you the quality of Mister (no, not even now)’s character.
Thank you again for your time, and I hope you will make the right decision.