As I went into the office today, as usual I engaged with some small talk with the person I was about to relieve for the night. As usual, they said almost nothing, seemingly emanating waves of resentment my way. The latter might just be me, but the strangeness of the situation suddenly occurred to me. You see, I am not a very social person. I know, you no doubt just gasped in shock, thinking, “What? A Fantasy author isn’t a social butterfly? Egads!”
No, no; I can admit it.
I’m a bit reticent … oh, and let me know if you actually thought egads,
let me know in the comments or in a response, or in whatever blogger has for
this sort of thing, as you are awesome. Thing is, I always felt out of place
when I was growing up. Again, I know:
“Shock!” Still, it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I never
found a place. Even with the outsiders
of the school, I felt like an outsider.
I’m not crying Aspergers or anything, but social interaction’s just
something I don’t think I’ve ever understood.
Well, that, or I went to school with a bunch of pricks; sadly, I have
far too much evidence from years of bullying to discount that one. Still, it
wasn’t until my senior year that I realized that I was trying too hard, and
just stopped giving a damn.
Even afterwards, however, befriending other people mystified
me. I never had a proper girlfriend, though I do feel that somewhat due to the
mysterious disappearance of Bridget Cunningham (no, she didn’t disappear; she
just moved away. I was still in junior
high, though, so she might as well dropped off the planet …but that’s a blog
for later). Even just trying to make friends, normal friends, proved a daunting
task. To this day, I can name on one
hand the people I consider true friends, people who I can hang out with who
don’t make me feel like some awkward hanger-on. Small surprise, each of them
has a surrogate in A Dreamer’s Knight.
Max Wingate, Jude Chaisson, Morgan James, Matthew Crumpler, Naomi Fultz,
and yes, Bridget Cunningham.Everyone else?
Just someone I hung out around, never feeling like I was hanging out
with them. It was almost like there was some manual on social interaction that everyone else seemed to get, that I just missed at some point.
So how is it that I come into work, and find myself the
talkative one? I didn’t magically become
an extrovert, did I? No, I think the
reason is a lot simpler than that. Somewhere along the way, I learned to act
like a ‘normal’ person, to make a little small talk so that people around me
were more comfortable. I’m still the same introvert, I just find myself around
those who haven’t or just won’t adapted in the same way … and that’s fine. I hate talking, even in the polite sense, and
would rather just quietly change shifts, especially with people like the one I
relieved tonight. I’m not joking about
the strange air of resentment; I get that from a few of my coworkers, a feeling
like they just can’t stand me, but some shred of politeness keeps them from
just blurting it out … or worse, that they think talking to me is somehow
beneath them.
Y’know what, though? That’s okay too. If there’s one thing I
know for sure, it’s that there are some people who just aren’t cut out to be
friends. Call it social differences or
attitude, or the fact that some people are just jerks. Hell, call me a jerk; I’ll admit it, I’m not
always the nicest person to be around, though I do try to maintain a pleasant
demeanor these days. Well, more pleasant anyway. So in the future, if you meet me and I simply
smile and move on, don’t take offense. I’m not necessarily avoiding
conversation; I’m just avoiding making small talk just to feel I’ve filled my
social quota for the day.
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